Late Night Thoughts

I’m slowly coming to an understanding that my obsession with rejection has absolutely nothing to do with my feelings for the other person, and everything to do with a fear of abandonment and loss of control. 

I am not sad because I had genuinely strong feelings for the other person. I am sad because I suddenly do not have control.

I believe that getting treated badly and rejected says something about me. I believe that I deserve it, and I should do better. They wouldn’t be treating me this way if I was doing what I was supposed to do. There’s obviously something wrong with me. Hence the obsession. The obsession to do better, and please that person. The obsession to get them to like me. 

For the majority of my late teens and early adulthood I have spent most of my “relationships” with men bending over backwards trying to prove something. I’ve been the girl that every guy wants… the submissive one, the hyper-sexual one, the girl who doesn’t stick up for herself. You name it and I’ve probably played that role. I’ve spent so many years trying to prove that I am worthy of being loved. But that isn’t something that needs to be proven. The man who truly wants me, will want ME.

It’s important that I start to make a conscious effort to differentiate between these 2 feelings.

It’s important that I get it through my head that the way others treat me has more to do with them and very little to do with me. The only thing that I can control is my reaction to this treatment.

You won’t always be able to find a reason or an explanation and that’s okay. Sometimes why isn’t important. What’s important is knowing yourself, and knowing what you deserve. 

I’m still on this self-love journey… everyday I’m taking steps forward and sometimes taking some back. It’s painful and it’s hard, but it’s worth it.

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